So a couple of years ago for Christmas, Roni gave me this jar that was filled with little slips of paper. Well each slip has something on it and the idea is that you draw out a slip of paper, at random, and write about what ever it is that is written on it. This is something that she had hoped could be collected for our children sometime in the future. So I have finally decided to start writing about what is on the slips of paper, and they will be called "Daddy's Love Letters". Bear with me and I hope that you are able to maybe gain something from these.
What kinds of things make you cry? When was the last time you can remember crying?
Well Roni always gives me a hard time about my crying. It seems that she has come to believe that the only things that can move me to tears, or at least near tears, on a regular basis are things that have to do with sports. I will agree that, yes a good sports movie will at least bring me to the edge of crying, they are not the only things.
As I have gotten older, it seems like it takes less and less for me to be moved to the verge of tears. It can be nearly anything at times: a touching story, talking to a friend, worship that is true and real and heartfelt.
The first year that I was a director for the mid-high camp out at Butman, the very first night in worship I nearly fell apart. As I stood at the mid-point of Shep Chapel I looked around and saw close to 100 junior high age kids worshiping in such a way that I was very deeply moved. The thing that really set it off for me though was when I got to looking around at all of the counselors that were there and how they were worshiping. It was the realization that of the 20 or so counselors that were there, I had been the youth pastor for at least 7 of them at sometime, and there were others that, even though I personally had not been their youth pastor, I had spent time with them at various camps. None of that is to say that I was the reason that they were able to worship in the way that they did. No, all I had done was be a part of their lives as we all learned to worship. But seeing them all there, and knowing that I really had had some kind of influence on them, that was special.
Other than that, my kids sometimes make me want to cry. It's something that seems to come out of a place of such deep love that I can't even explain it. I think it has to do with their innocence and wonder at things. I really have no way to explain what it is really that moves me so often with my kids, but there are times that my heart is so filled with love for them that it seems the only response is tears.
I can tell you the last five times that I really remember crying for anything significant. All of these things are dependent on when you read this really, since by the time Averi and Aspen and Knight can read this and appreciate it, there will have surely been more times than these. At this point though, here are the last five times that I really cried.
1) May 15, 2004- I remember the exact date really. It was the last day of classes for me, and I had one final to take and I was done. So I took the final and hurried back to Sweetwater from San Angelo. I was trying to hurry because we were supposed to have a doctor's appointment that day to see how far pregnant we were. We already knew we were, it was just a matter of how far along now. When I got into town I went straight to the clinic as I knew that Roni was already there. On my way down the hall I stopped to go to the restroom and when I came out I saw Roni walk past in the hall and she was very visibly upset about something. I hurried to catch her, and see what was wrong, but I was pretty sure that I already knew what it must be. When the doctor has done the preliminary sonogram, there was no heartbeat for the baby, even though you could see where the baby was. That broke my heart and I finally cried about it later that afternoon talking to my pastor.
2) July 2005- It was the last night of Senior high camp out at Butman, and it was the end of the worship service. I had done great all week up to this point, but I knew without a doubt that I wasn't going to make it the rest of the night without breaking down. Beau was leaving camp early that night so that he and Chelsea could head to Prosper the next day to close on the house they were buying for their move away from Snyder. Even though we were seperated by about 40 miles, over the last two years Beau and I had gotten to be really close. We hung out every chance we got, we were co-directors of the Mid-high camp at Butman, and we were both youth pastors. He was the best friend I had at that time thanks to the proximity of our locations, and I knew that it would be different once they had moved to the Metroplex. It's much harder to see each other when you are 4 hours apart. We have remained close, but knowing that that was one of the last nights was very hard for me, and I cried for a while.
3) Late Spring/Early Summer 2006- Some of our very closest friends had found out that they were pregnant once again. They had had difficulty, not with getting pregnant, but with miscarriages. It looked like this one though would be different. Everything seemed to be good for them. Then they went in for a check-up and they found that there was something wrong. The baby wasn't growing like it was supposed to be. They thought at first it was Trisomy 18, but then there seemed to be good news, that it wasn't that, so we had hope for them. Then the news came that what the baby had was so rare it had never before been seen in their town, which was is fairly large. I remember my heart breaking for them as I prayed not only for the child, but for our friends as well. In mid June, they reached a point where all that could be done was to take the baby early and give them at least a few minutes with him before he passed on. My heart still breaks for them when I think about it.
4) October 2006- This was the month I resigned from FUMC in Sweetwater in order to move to San Angelo and take the youth position at FUMC. I cried because it meant leaving behind relationships with young people that we had had for 4 1/2 years. As I sat and wrote my resignation letter, I was already stopped up with a head cold. Writing the letter didn't help it at all I will tell you that much.
5) October 24-25, 2007- These were the last two days that got to spend with Grandad. He had gone to the hospital in Altus, OK for emergency hernia surgery. It was typically a routine thing, and yet he never really was able to recover. I remember talking to both Roni and Damon on the phone on the night of the 24th and crying as I did so. Grandad passed away on the 25th as they were flying him to Lubbock to get him more of the help he needed. We were on the road at the time, caravaning from Altus to Lubbock when we got the call.
So there it is. The things that make me cry and the last few times that I had a good decent cry.
Peace and Love ya'll.
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